So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
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we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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