I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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