mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
