she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
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I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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