I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
