Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i think my cat just said my name.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
