sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
