So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
