FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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