you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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