If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
