I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
