is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
