Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
