His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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