When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
