she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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