Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
