I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
