Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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