sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
