explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
