someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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