There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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