Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
