I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
