i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
