im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
