My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
