i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
the day after is always just damage control
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
