Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
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I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
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Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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