i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
