I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
