I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
