And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
