i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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