do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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