When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
