apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
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I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
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Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize