Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
