Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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