i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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