Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
