My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
