Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
