Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
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What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
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Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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