im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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