i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
