I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
sex in a hospital.. check
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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