I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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