Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
