sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
