I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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