the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
