I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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