I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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