Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
